Desperately
by NoNameFace1
Summary: Ginny's thoughts on how she fell in love with Harry and what Tom Riddle had to do with it.


Disclaimer: I own nothing but the wish to become an anime character. Heh, just kidding,,,   
  
A/N: I guess you can say this is a little AU or OOC. Takes place after the fifth book.  
  
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Desperately  
  
A Ginny fic.  
  
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Everyone believes that I was always obsessed with Harry Potter. They might even thought that I was in love with him. I admit I :was:  
  
fascinated by him. Who wasn't? Afterall, he was the one who defeated You-Know-Who and only at the age of one!   
  
I remember mum and dad used to tell me how horrible and terrible it was when He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was in power. Everyone was afraid for  
  
their lives and for the ones they cared about. I'm glad that's all over with. And if You-Know-Who was to ever come back to power, I know he would be defeated  
  
again by him. Harry Potter.   
  
Harry :has: defeated him time and time again. And during my first year at Hogwarts...   
  
I've always imagined that my first year at Hogwarts would be exciting although a liitle frightening, I was leaving my parents and home for a year and wouldn't be back   
  
until the summer. The longest time I've ever been without my mum or dad was when I had to go shopping with my Aunt Sarah for an aftenoon.  
  
But it was alright. I had my older brothers with me. Though they never wanted me around. So, that's when I turned to my diary. I had found it inside one of my schoolbooks.  
  
My ratty, old, secondhand schoolbooks. Just like everything else I owned, they belonged to someone before.   
  
I've always had my mum and dad but they were too old. I wanted someone around my age to talk to. They treated me like a baby. Whenever my brothers (reluctantly) allowed   
  
me to hang around them, I was always shunted to one side and received rude looks when I spoke up. They treated me like an annoying little sister who tagged along everywhere  
  
and wanted to be included in everything they did. And I probably was. It was only because I look up to them. It's not fair that I can't spend time with my brothers because I'm a girl!   
  
I wanted to be treated like a real person. Not as a baby or an annoying little sister. But a person with feelings, real opinions and thoughts that might actually be worth listening to.  
  
Tom treated me like a real person. He respected my opinions and was considerate of my feelings and listened to what I had to say. Even when I went on about how amazing Harry is.  
  
Tom was most interested in about You-Know-Who's downfall. And about Harry. When I could tell him no more, he'll insist that I look up on it.   
  
I should have known something was wrong then.  
  
But I was so consumed with the idea that I finally had someone to talk to. That I for once had a :friend:. Someone who wanted me around. To talk to me. I felt... accepted. Tom had asked me to not   
  
tell anyone about him. I was curious as to why but he said that friendships are built on trust and didn't I trust him enough not to ask? So, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't want to lose the one and   
  
only friend that I had.  
  
I was determined not to be like my brothers or parents. I wanted to be the best of them all. The one that stands and shines above the rest. The greatest. I didn't know then that my anger and contempt   
  
was being elevated by Tom. And that his very life was pouring into me. By the time I had stared at Hogwarts, Tom had started to take over my mind. I was starting to lose control. I discovered that I  
  
was feeling things I've never felt before and thinking thoughts that weren't mine.   
  
I thought that I was going crazy.  
  
I didn't know what to do. It didn't occur to me in the beginning that my dear "friend" was doing this to me. I was so naive. Tom's obsession with Harry overwhelmed me. And I mistook it as my own.  
  
It was so strong and I was afraid because of it. I somehow convinced myself that I was in love with Harry Potter.   
  
Tom, of course, encouraged this thought and suggested that I watch his every move and to learn more about Harry. And I did. I watched him from afar. Occasionally, I would try to talk to him but Ron would  
  
always tell me to sod off.   
  
When I first saw Harry at Platform Nine and Three Quarters, I only wanted a closer look at him. He :was: the famous The Boy Who Lived. My brothers complained how I always talked and asked about him.  
  
But it was only a few times. Who doesn't want to know how Harry Potter was really like? They'd tell me vague answers then tell me to go away. I wasn't satisfied with their answers and would ask them   
  
again the next day.  
  
My brothers never let me do anything with them like Quidditch. They said I was to small and that if I got hurt, mum would put the blame on them. Anyway, it wasn't like I could actually ride on a broom, let alone   
  
stay on one. they said.   
  
Tom told me I could do anything. Even catch the attention of The Boy Who Lived. I had told him that I didn't have a crush on Harry, it wasn't only admiration. Tom insisted that I did otherwise why would I speak of   
  
him so often?  
  
He was slowly taking me over. Most of the time I wasn't myself. Tom's thoughts and emotions poured into me, Including his obsession. He would devour any information relating to You-Know-Who's downfall like a starved   
  
animal. It was never enough. I didn't know what to make of it, it was so strong. When Harry defeated Tom - no, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, I know that now - near the end of my first year, he left some of himself in me.  
  
His confidence. His self-determination.   
  
It wasn't until that moment in the Chamber of Secrets that I felt a crush build up. Harry was covered in blood, sweat, and dirt. And I remember thinking that he was the most heavenly and tragic thing that there could ever be.   
  
Harry would never be seen for who he really is but only as The Boy Who Lived. He has all these expectations that no one would ever want. To always to be expected to do great things and the entire wizarding world expecting  
  
him to always be around to save them. They have such a perfect image of who Harry is that he's not even seen as a person.   
  
Can't they see that Harry is trying to live his life the way he wants and not the life they expect him to live? Whenever Harry does something they don't like or that is out of their comprehension, they criticize him and judge him then  
  
it's published to the world. They'll always believe what they want to believe even if Harry's right him front of them to clarify things. Then, the hate and dislike they were harboring for Harry would dissipate after he does something  
  
heroic and pretend it never happened. With the world watching every minute Harry's in the wizarding world, I wonder if he's better off at his uncle's sometimes.   
  
Harry's human, he's supposed to make mistakes. He hurts and bleeds like the rest of us! Why can't they just let Harry be who he is and not try to make him the way they want him to be? Harry's not a hero, he's just a boy doing   
  
what he thinks is right because he's got the weight of the world on his shoulders. It's really cruel how they just dump how this crap on Harry and expect him to live with it. He was just a boy. It wasn't fair and it would never be fair.  
  
Who do they think they are to do this to Harry?   
  
I admire the way Harry continues to go on living like the whole world's not watching him. Like he's not special. But he :is: special. Not in the he's The Boy Who Lived way. I think Harry's special in his own way, he's who he is and he   
  
doesn't try to be like anyone else. Harry knows who he is and who he isn't. And even with the whole thing with You-Know-Who, he still manages to stay humble. I guess it's because of my brother, Ron and Hermione Granger. I'm glad   
  
he has friends.   
  
I know that Harry would always see me as just Ron's little sister. And I'm mostly okay with that. I tried moving on by dating Michael Corner for awhile. Of course, it didn't work out. Afterall, he wasn't Harry. I would willingly be alone and   
  
miserable for the rest of my life if it means that Harry would be happy every minute of his life. Even if it's not with me. When did my crush turn into love? I seriously don't know.   
  
Truthfully, I want to be the girl for Harry. I want him to love me because I love him. But Harry's great without me. I mean, what can I do for him? I don't want to bother him with my feelings, he's got enough to deal with already. I wish that one   
  
day Harry will turn around and realize see that the one he needs was right here all along. So close but never seen.   
  
But I'm scared that if Harry does happen to turn around to see me, I would be gone.  
  
-  
  
[And it's strange how things change   
  
But not me wanting you so desperately.  
  
-Michelle Branch, Desperately]  
  
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The last line came from a Michelle Branch song entitled "Tuesday Morning."  
  
Now that I read it over, it's strange... Please review anyway!  
  
Please review! 


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